It came and went and I wasnt ready.

Fifty four days. 54 days I have now been gone from the only place I ever called home. And now? Now I call room #1 in the Casa Bernabe main house "home." How strange. This place truly has become dear to my heart. The language, the people, the atmosphere, the view - everything - will forever remain in my heart. Its so cliche to say but its true, I'm going to miss this place a lot. And the kids. And watching High School Musical every week. And saying "te quiero, te quiero, te quiero" to Luis and listening to him laugh his little heart out. I cant believe tomorrow is our last day here. Tomorrow? I didnt just say that, did I? No, I did. Tomorrow we start saying all of our goodbyes. It really seems like just yesterday Edgar told us about the house in the city and yet, so much has happened in these past 8 weeks. So much that I never, ever want to leave.

Tonight coming back from the baby house (where we cleaned toys and organized books!), I stayed outside in the cancha (common area). Why? It was pouring. I was getting soaked through my coat, but getting a little wet is nothing compared to standing in my favorite weather thanking God for all the days i wasn't thankful for. Because i needed to do that - to thank Him. And then I started singing a song that always seems to get my heart in the right position. Just me, and the rain, and my husky sick voice. It goes something like this:

ch: Not to us, but to Your name alone
Be all the glory, the glory, forever
For Your faithfulness and steadfast love
Receive the glory, the glory belongs to You

v1: All that we’ve accomplished You have done for us
And any fruit we harvest is a gift from Your hand
We are only jars of clay that hold a priceless treasure
And we exist to bring You pleasure, O God

v2: Only by Your mercy can we come to You
Though we deserved Your judgment You have called us by name
So we glory in the cross of Christ that made us Yours forever
That joined our lives together to sing

The first two lines of verse one are my two favorite lines in any song. They ring such truth, go with some of the greatest memories I am blessed to have, and are applicable to practically everything. And so there I was, all by myself, holding my flip flops, letting the rain fall down upon me. People would run by and give me strange looks, but i paid no attention and kept on kicking my feet through the puddles until i looked up and saw Matt walking towards me. All I said was, "I'm thanking God for this. This probably will be the last time I'm ever outside in a rain storm in Guatemala. The last time I'll stand here talking to you in the rain. The last time I'll be here with you and the others. So I'm thanking God." Because I never want to forget any of it. I don't want to look back on this trip and wish that I had thanked God more for the small things. So when the small things come, I want to thank God for them. and when Matt left and I stood there alone again, i began to sing again too. If You Want Me To began to roll off my tongue, but I could barely get past the first line before i started crying, cause this is what it says:

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear // and I don't know the reason why you brought me here // but just because you love me, the way that you do // I'm gonna walk through the valley // if you want me too

So many days "I don't know the reason why you brought me here" seemed to be the only coherent thought floating around in my head. Its not that everyday was like walking through a rough, deep, dark, hard valley, but some days I felt like I had no purpose. I felt useless. I felt like no one cared if I went to the baby house or not. I felt bored. I felt like my labors were in vain. (I know, "I, I, I, I, I, I"). But inside I knew that could not be, and I didnt want it to be. I wanted to find some purpose to be here. The last thing in the WORLD that I wanted was to leave Casa Bernabe and not know why the heck I just spent my summer there. And today, today was confirmation as to why I was here. Today the baby house mom took us four girls who worked there out to the mall and as we were driving she was thanking us for all we had done this summer. I was grateful for her kind words, but I had heard words like that so many times. But then she said something different. She said this: "You know, so many teams come in and they see the babies and they see the really cute ones and they think 'oh they've had such a bad past. they need to be loved' and so they go for the cute ones that like to laugh and cuddle all the time - the ones with the really adorable smiles. They push aside the others and so the "non-cute ones" [my comment: NOT TRUE. every single baby is a-dor-a-ble] start fighting with the "cute ones" and people see that they throw tantrums and stay ever further away. But when you guys came in you didn't go directly to a certain baby. You didn't favor one over the other. You played with all of them equally, and most importantly loved all of them equally. I've seen such a difference in the kids, and i really think that its been you guys. You four girls have really impacted every single one of those kids. I really do think it is because of you all."

I wanted to cry. For eight weeks I was searching, praying, asking God to show me WHY I was here. I knew it was to serve, but there had to be something else. And after eight weeks of trusting God, He finally showed me why I was here: it was to show love equally to all of these kids. It was to train them that they don't need to throw temper tantrums to get attention. It was to help IE (initials) open up to more people. It was to help A (initials) not scream as much. It was to teach J how to walk. It was to love W after Lauren left. It was to comfort H when he had to leave his soon to be parents. It was to help E talk to more people. It was to love L. It was to welcome and comfort AL. It was to Love. Love. Love.

I wish I had spent more time getting ready to say goodbye, because now i feel like i am running out of time. I have cards I want to write, pictures I want to take, people I want to spend time with and I cant do it all.

It came. It went. and now I'm not ready to leave.

Oh Lord, give me strength to get through tomorrow. I cant do this on my own.