It came and went and I wasnt ready.

Fifty four days. 54 days I have now been gone from the only place I ever called home. And now? Now I call room #1 in the Casa Bernabe main house "home." How strange. This place truly has become dear to my heart. The language, the people, the atmosphere, the view - everything - will forever remain in my heart. Its so cliche to say but its true, I'm going to miss this place a lot. And the kids. And watching High School Musical every week. And saying "te quiero, te quiero, te quiero" to Luis and listening to him laugh his little heart out. I cant believe tomorrow is our last day here. Tomorrow? I didnt just say that, did I? No, I did. Tomorrow we start saying all of our goodbyes. It really seems like just yesterday Edgar told us about the house in the city and yet, so much has happened in these past 8 weeks. So much that I never, ever want to leave.

Tonight coming back from the baby house (where we cleaned toys and organized books!), I stayed outside in the cancha (common area). Why? It was pouring. I was getting soaked through my coat, but getting a little wet is nothing compared to standing in my favorite weather thanking God for all the days i wasn't thankful for. Because i needed to do that - to thank Him. And then I started singing a song that always seems to get my heart in the right position. Just me, and the rain, and my husky sick voice. It goes something like this:

ch: Not to us, but to Your name alone
Be all the glory, the glory, forever
For Your faithfulness and steadfast love
Receive the glory, the glory belongs to You

v1: All that we’ve accomplished You have done for us
And any fruit we harvest is a gift from Your hand
We are only jars of clay that hold a priceless treasure
And we exist to bring You pleasure, O God

v2: Only by Your mercy can we come to You
Though we deserved Your judgment You have called us by name
So we glory in the cross of Christ that made us Yours forever
That joined our lives together to sing

The first two lines of verse one are my two favorite lines in any song. They ring such truth, go with some of the greatest memories I am blessed to have, and are applicable to practically everything. And so there I was, all by myself, holding my flip flops, letting the rain fall down upon me. People would run by and give me strange looks, but i paid no attention and kept on kicking my feet through the puddles until i looked up and saw Matt walking towards me. All I said was, "I'm thanking God for this. This probably will be the last time I'm ever outside in a rain storm in Guatemala. The last time I'll stand here talking to you in the rain. The last time I'll be here with you and the others. So I'm thanking God." Because I never want to forget any of it. I don't want to look back on this trip and wish that I had thanked God more for the small things. So when the small things come, I want to thank God for them. and when Matt left and I stood there alone again, i began to sing again too. If You Want Me To began to roll off my tongue, but I could barely get past the first line before i started crying, cause this is what it says:

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear // and I don't know the reason why you brought me here // but just because you love me, the way that you do // I'm gonna walk through the valley // if you want me too

So many days "I don't know the reason why you brought me here" seemed to be the only coherent thought floating around in my head. Its not that everyday was like walking through a rough, deep, dark, hard valley, but some days I felt like I had no purpose. I felt useless. I felt like no one cared if I went to the baby house or not. I felt bored. I felt like my labors were in vain. (I know, "I, I, I, I, I, I"). But inside I knew that could not be, and I didnt want it to be. I wanted to find some purpose to be here. The last thing in the WORLD that I wanted was to leave Casa Bernabe and not know why the heck I just spent my summer there. And today, today was confirmation as to why I was here. Today the baby house mom took us four girls who worked there out to the mall and as we were driving she was thanking us for all we had done this summer. I was grateful for her kind words, but I had heard words like that so many times. But then she said something different. She said this: "You know, so many teams come in and they see the babies and they see the really cute ones and they think 'oh they've had such a bad past. they need to be loved' and so they go for the cute ones that like to laugh and cuddle all the time - the ones with the really adorable smiles. They push aside the others and so the "non-cute ones" [my comment: NOT TRUE. every single baby is a-dor-a-ble] start fighting with the "cute ones" and people see that they throw tantrums and stay ever further away. But when you guys came in you didn't go directly to a certain baby. You didn't favor one over the other. You played with all of them equally, and most importantly loved all of them equally. I've seen such a difference in the kids, and i really think that its been you guys. You four girls have really impacted every single one of those kids. I really do think it is because of you all."

I wanted to cry. For eight weeks I was searching, praying, asking God to show me WHY I was here. I knew it was to serve, but there had to be something else. And after eight weeks of trusting God, He finally showed me why I was here: it was to show love equally to all of these kids. It was to train them that they don't need to throw temper tantrums to get attention. It was to help IE (initials) open up to more people. It was to help A (initials) not scream as much. It was to teach J how to walk. It was to love W after Lauren left. It was to comfort H when he had to leave his soon to be parents. It was to help E talk to more people. It was to love L. It was to welcome and comfort AL. It was to Love. Love. Love.

I wish I had spent more time getting ready to say goodbye, because now i feel like i am running out of time. I have cards I want to write, pictures I want to take, people I want to spend time with and I cant do it all.

It came. It went. and now I'm not ready to leave.

Oh Lord, give me strength to get through tomorrow. I cant do this on my own.

Really?

Yes really. We leave here in 2 weeks. Some days it feels like the day just goes on and on and 2 weeks is the longest time in the world. But other days you know how quickly 14 days is going to go. Especially since we now have to start telling the kids we are leaving soon. We're starting to try and detach ourselves from them. Its hard. Just thinking about it is hard. In so many ways I feel like i am just now getting to know these kids. When I walk in the door the little 3 year olds call out my name. Just yesterday I met two of Matts kids. I met one of Emily's kids this morning too. We've all come to love these kids, even the ones we dont interact with on a daily basis. We've lived right along side all of them for 5 weeks now and leaving these kids for who knows how long is so much more than just a hug, an adios, and a kiss blown. Part of our heart stays here with them, part of our lives stay here with them.

Pray for us as we start the countdown of leaving Casa Bernabe, but more importantly pray for the dear kids here. Its not easy when people leave, and though many of them are too young to get to attached, so many of them are old enough to get very attached. We love them so much and leaving them confused as to why we are leaving is the last thing we want to do.

see you in just a couple weeks :)

sickies and rainforests.

well hello there.

sorry i havent uploaded in quite sometime. its been a liiiitle busy down here in Guatemala. the days have been long (and the nights seem to be longer sometimes too! not always a good thing), and so even when i do have some down time im usually just breathing. or eating. (and then breathing again, of course).

however, sometime last saturday i caught a bad cold. sunday i slept in and took the day off and monday was kitchen duty (yes, i worked in the kitchen while i was sick. dont worry they cook everything we cut! not like any of you are going to get sick from me working in the kitchen in Guatemala...whatever). i went down to the baby house late on tuesday morning and for the rest of the week i was doing steadily better, although my nose was running like the Jordan River. with the cold came a cough, but really it was okay. i was able to get through my days, and yes granted i was exhausted by the end of it, but who isnt around here!

Then tuesday night i came down with the stomach bug, which proved to hit me much harder than anyone else. But as i was sitting in the bathroom trying to throw up for three hours i was praying. Praying that the Lord would keep me from temptation and questioning His goodness, timing, love, and kindness. and He has! Even though i got the 24 stomach bug, i (with only the Lords help!) did not complain! And even when i woke up in the middle of the night Wednesday with the worst ear infection ever He still kept me from temptation!

I am so grateful to God for that. I do have reason to complain. Im in an orphange, thousands of miles from everything that is comfortable, from my doctor, from good food (craving grilled chicken! and teriyaki steak! and sweet potatoe fries!), from a lot of things, but the Lord has given, is giving, and will continue to give me strength. I boast only in him!

Lately the song that has been stuck in my head is As Long As You Are Glorified. read these lyrics and see if they dont encourage you!

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

So quiet my restless heart,

Quiet my restless heart,

Quiet my restless heart in You

Those lyrics just lift my soul up every single day! My favorite line is // shall i thank you for days of sunshine / yet grumble in days of rain //. Here i have found that line is so applicable! Its definitely the rainy season here and some times it rains for days and aaaalllll day long. (really you would think we lived in the Amazon.) It starts to become virtually impossible to keep 15 babies inside for 3 days straight. try 17 toddlers. or 19 eight-year-olds! EVERYone gets stir crazy. And during these times its all too easy to not thank God for those days. Sure! Lets pray for sunshine, but lets not grumble during the days of rain.

Thank you all for praying for those of us who are sick! We are getting better. Sara and I stayed back from Antigua today, which was a little sad cause we wish we could have gone with OUR group, but we are planning on catching a ride with another group here going sometime soon.

aaannnnd hope you all have a WONDERFUL Fourth of July weekend! We're going to get pizza and other American food (actually pizza isnt really american, its italian. Whatever. We eat it in america!). We're kinda a little VERY excited.

hope you all are doing well!

see you in FOUR WEEKS!